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[Jun. 2nd, 2008|06:36 pm] |
i' m trying to keep myself from becoming entirely miserable and mad at myself that i feel absolutely HORRIBLE. i want to see what i can do in a week.i need to not feel so gross at the moment and if i can just prove to myself that i can do this, i'll feel so much better. i know i will.
please...i don't want to cry right now. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 20th, 2008|06:52 pm] |
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i'm planning on doing a colon cleanse starting tomorrow. hopefully that will help jump start things a little... |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 15th, 2008|11:52 am] |
i'm going home today...
i've been saying that i need to get my butt back in gear. i can guarantee myself that i will not be the same once i go back to school at the end of august. how many of you realize that you say that pretty much all the time and you're left to look back and it just ended up being time wasted?! well i need help from anyone who's willing to just keep me on track. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 7th, 2008|01:02 am] |
it's been a while since i've posted. i hope people still read this crap when i do though - helps me feel that i'm not alone, esp. when I feel like crap and all I want is for someone else to understand.
I'm trying to kick the purging habit. It's so not worth it. And although I know that, I can't go more than a day without doing it. (that's on good days). I'm surprised when I don't do it more than once in a day...but I'm working on that.
I think I may just have to do a fast. I haven't done one in a while and I think it's about time. I just need to get myself ready for it, and maybe someone to do it with. water...more water...exercise.
I went to the doctor today and she waas surprised I had gone to college without having gained the freshman 15. She said I was within a pound of when I had visited last year, which is obviously not good news - because it just means that within a year, I fluctuated a lot but managed to return back to where I started from. I actually want to check to see if I have hypothyroidism. It could explain why it's so hard for me to lose weigh...why I'm cold all the time...why my fingers tingle and have really bad circulation...and why my temp. when my doctor checked it was 96.9. So we'll see. I need to see first what she says about my stomach pain...(hopefully my purging doesn't effect it, seeing that my stomach pain started before I began purging).
That's all for now. This is the last week of classes. Finals next week...
It's been a year and I'm basically back to where I started. That's SAD!! I really need to jump on it. REALLY. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2008|05:33 pm] |
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i pretty much have a month before school starts and i am DETERMINED to lose abojut 10 pounds. i figure. - that gives me plenty of time so i should have no excuse (although it might be a little difficult not having a scale). i'm gonna try doing this the healthy way. it seems though that no matter how many times i can say that to myself, my mindset doesn't hold on to that for more than just a day or two and i'm always back again. but i figure now - working out like MAD and eating just an endless supply of fruits and vegetables and the occasional chicken breat for protein. is anyone else planning on doing anything similar, and would like to join? |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2008|01:41 am] |
i've been trying really hard to vary up my work-out routine. as a result from working out on the ellpitical and running/ walking, i've been gaining a lot of muscles in my legs, which is good...but i want to see a flatter stomach...toned arms...! i need a plan from now until school ends, but i don't know what to go on. and i refuse for school to end and me be the same person i am now. maybe i'll just go day by day. i'm trying this thing where i actually try to eat so it distracts me from endlessly obsessing over what i eat. so, i'll eat something every 2-3 hours and eating a lot of vegetables and fruits but still getting protein...i'll try hard not to think so much about calories etc...hopefully, i'll get somewhere...oh, and no more purging.
so I'll make a schedule for myself starting for Saturday: work out...i'll make a salad for lunch (lettuce...carrots...balsamic vinagrette...baby tomatos)...eat a yogurt for a snack later...dinner: grilled chicken with green beans...any fruit....don't eat past 6/7. only drink water...NO MORE JUICE!!! and then i'll slowly be taking more and more things out of what i eat...let's see how we do this time around |
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| this will be my plan from tomorrow (friday) until tuesday |
[Mar. 27th, 2008|09:55 pm] |
5 days
Eat within thirty minutes of waking, unless exercising, stretch to forty-five minutes.
Breakfast:
eat starch such as wheat toast or egg whites.
Snack:
eat hard-chew snack like an apple or celery. It promises to release sugar slowly into the bloodstream.
Lunch:
eat before 1 P.M. and only protein and vegetables. No carbs.
Dinner:
eat before 8P.M. and consume protein and veggies.
i might tweak some things seeing that i don't eat bread really and definately not eggs...but we'll see
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 27th, 2008|03:06 pm] |
don't ask me why but i'm back on the hydroxycut hardcore pills. but i'm not gonna exceed the dosage amount like i did the last time and felt like i was gonna die. so now i'm off to gym. and i am so motivated it's sick
EDIT***
i have so much energy still. i came back from 2 hours at the gym and feel great. i ate dinner (rice w/ grilled chicken), but i feel fine. what started off as a not so great beginning to a day is ending off rather nicely and i kind of like it. (random - but my throat still hurts from yesterday and i have rehearsal in half an hour. hmmm...don't think i'll be singing much, but i don't care so much, cause i feel so good!) now it'ss just water the rest of the night! |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 26th, 2008|06:10 pm] |
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what the HELL is wrong with me? it's as though i stopped caring. and it's also as though our nutrition discussion in a&p lab did nothing for me. i went to dinner, and that's when i ate cereal, fro-yo, a fried-chicken sandwhich w/ bbq sauce...and then even though i was full long before i finished stuffing my face, i ate a huge sugar cookie! really, what the hell?!?! i'm sitting here trying to prevent myself from going to get rid of it all, but i almost feel like nothing's gonna stop me from doing it now cause it was so bad. and now the longer i sit here, the harder i'll have to try, so maybe this will teach me a lesson. CRAP! i'm a failure! |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 25th, 2008|12:23 am] |
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so i'm back at school now until summer vacation...and that just means from here on out, i'm hitting it HARDCORE! i have no other choice. i hate my body. and apparently, so do others. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2008|03:55 pm] |
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i am never drinking water after i binge! i thought it would make it easier to purge but all I ended up purging was the water. What the hell?? I thought the water if anything would've helped me get rid of the cereal I had just eaten. But practically none of it came up and that made me so incredibly upset! |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 15th, 2008|01:11 pm] |
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the only thing keeping me from eating is the fact that i'd want to purge it and my throat kills - it hurts to swallow, but that didn't keep me from purging last night.
so far i've had a pear. i'm too scared to eat anything else. i need to workout before the day is over so hopefully when i get on the scale tomorrow morning it will read lower...i hope the rest of this day goes well... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 13th, 2008|05:47 pm] |
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i know i already posted today but i purged today/it was my first time purging ever. yell at me all you want, but it made me feel so good. especially because i was always so sick and tired of just having to feel miserable if i ever did binge but now i don't anymore. And it kind of prevents me from eating a lot because i hate the fact that my throat hurts and so i won't want to do anything that will make me want to. i know i have to be really careful for many reasons - as to not be found out and for health reasons obviously. i don't know what i'd do if anyone found out...weird though that when my mom came home today she looked at me and asked what was wrong with my face and why it was so puffy, but i said hmmm and kind of shrugged it off. said i didn't notice and that was that. which makes me even more nervous of anyone ever suspecting anything. is there even a way to decrease the puffiness or does it just eventually go away or, i don't even know...it seems like something you'd have to be really good at hiding and i'm almost afraid that when i go back to school it'll be so hard to hide. but we'll see |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 13th, 2008|12:06 pm] |
i am home for 11 days of break before i go back to school. but being home makes me miserable because i feel like i have to be even more careful of what i wear to hide all my fat. i can't handle to hear a comment about my weight but i know that some time during my vaca, i will hear it. it's just a matter of when and i am trying so hard to prevent it from coming. but what's even worse, i think my mom wants to say something about how fat i've become, etc...but she's just not saying it because we've gotten into so many fights over it and now we're working on our relationship and i can't imagine us ruining it again...aghegre...so complicated! i'm about to run on the treadmill now. at least for the time i'm on there i'll feel a little better...and then maybe i'll go make myself a salad.
i was also thinking of going back on my diet pills (hydroxycut-hardcore) that i was on back in september/ october and made me feel like the worst crap ever...and you might wonder why i would even think i'd go back on them, but i want to get the most out of these 11 days. because now i don't have tests to study for that i couldn't even tudy for while i was on them. just don't know quite yet if it's worth it...
x-posted |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 10th, 2008|04:27 pm] |
i just got back from the gym and i feel great. i don't feel so good about the fact that i just drank 120 calories of useless juice down, but it's better than having binged or something. and i definately feel that when you've exercised, it puts you in a good mood (most of the time when you're not too tired to miss out on it) and you can't even imagine ruining that time of beneficial exercise by eating crap...
so far today i've had grapefruit juice,cranberry juice, walnuts and 2 Andes thin mints. My food choices so could have been better but I feel like I'm getting my self control back again. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 7th, 2008|01:04 am] |
today started off well, but unfortunately, i think that's always the case and then later on it gets worse. i had grapefruit juice and a banana for breakfast, walnuts and lettuce with baby tomatos and some seeds w/ some light olive oil dressing for lunch, and cheese ravioli and more walnuts for dinner. i could have done without the second serving of nuts and without the pasta, but i finally made peace with myself. then after rehearsal, i was hanging out with some people i always hang out with and that's when for some reason, i ordered mint ice cream. i walked for almost 3 hours today but it wasn't even a brisk one so it's not like that did anything for me. (at least it's better than not having just sat donw and done no form of exercise at all).
and on another note, someone told me that i wouldn't reach my ideal goal weight (of 107) (too complicated to explain, but i know this person, and they've suffered from an eating disorder). they thought they were just telling the truth and although i appreciate that rather than people lying, etc..., i don't think she realized how much by her saying that it pushes me to want to reach that. (and the sad thing is, i know she didn't mean for it to, but here i am now wanting nothing more than to reach it). since reducing my calories severely proves to be more detrimental than any good to me (my metabolism probably like many of you, is ridiculously shot), i have no other choice but to exercise like MAD! 6 days before i go home forspring vacation = 6 INTENSE days at the gym...and then at home for the almost 2 weeks that i'll be there, i will have to continue the exercise. any movement. because i am so done with having this body it's ridiculous. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 28th, 2008|11:04 pm] |
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i'm sick of myself. and i thought i was before but obviously not because i let myself get complacent with myself. and so now i need to work so hard on my body. for me. because i can;t stand to see myself like this any longer. no more eating crap. (and it so happens, if i mess up during the day with one small thing, it always turns out to be that i think, what the heck, and then really screw up and...) so there's no in the middle. it's either i have a rreally good day or a really bad day. but tomorrow i'm choosing really good day and nothing can mess me up. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 25th, 2008|11:47 pm] |
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does anyone ever feel that they are so tired of lying and pretending to people that they just want to tell someone what's really going on with them? i hate being fake, but at this point, i don't know what else to be |
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| it's been a while |
[Feb. 21st, 2008|01:22 am] |
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it's been so incredibly long since i've actually posted. maybe because i am so utterly ashamed of myself and how much i've let myself go. i thought i could go on without carng. that if i somehow just ignored it, everything would go away. but the thing with me is, when i'm gonna do something i go all out, but unfortunately the same goes for the reverse. if i'm starting a plan, i make myself restrict really well and exercise pretty much every day. but on a day when i mess up a little, i end up full out messing up - like completely bingeing, etc... and making it worse than how it started out. i feel and AM so much wider than i was before! i was getting somewhere before. why was i being so impatient?? i could've been so far now. but there's no time like the present. NO MORE GIVING IN!!! i need people to help keep me accountable. i need to make a plan for myself - of restricting, exercising, drinking tons of water, etc...i need to stop being lazy and do something about my body that i hate so much. on a side note, a friend of mine told a mutual friend of ours that it looked like he was losing weight. i got so bitter when i heard that. and maybe it sounds wrong, but i wanted that to be said about me. is that wrong? |
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| tonalin |
[Mar. 10th, 2007|08:21 pm] |
i was just wondering if anyone has ever used Tonalin CLA and what effect it had on you... , ( I just bought some today after hearing that it works really well when used with Hoodia...)
one picture behind the cut...
a girl i go to school with (she's the one in the middle - recently she's lost a lot of weight and her chest bones are visible.)
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